Letters From Hollywood

Black tar, China white, dust, horse, junk, Mexican mud, scag, shit, smack... and most commonly referred to as just plain, H.

Heroin is one of the most enslaving drugs on the planet. Users often helplessly joke that even Satan avoids it because of it's addictive nature. The short-term effects of heroin abuse appear soon after a single dose and disappear in a few hours. After an injection of heroin, the user reports feeling a surge of euphoria ("rush") accompanied by a warm flushing of the skin, a dry mouth, and heavy extremities. Following this initial euphoria, the user goes "on the nod," an alternately wakeful and drowsy state. Mental functioning becomes clouded due to the depression of the central nervous system. Other effects included slowed and slurred speech, slow gait, constricted pupils, droopy eyelids, impaired night vision, vomiting, constipation.

Long-term effects of heroin appear after repeated use for some period of time. Chronic users may develop collapsed veins, infection of the heart lining and valves, abscesses, cellulite, and liver disease. Pulmonary complications, including various types of pneumonia, may result from the poor health condition of the abuser, as well as from heroin's depressing effects on respiration. In addition to the effects of the drug itself, street heroin may have additives that do not really dissolve and result in clogging the blood vessels that lead to the lungs, liver, kidneys, or brain. This can cause infection or even death of small patches of cells in vital organs. With regular heroin use, tolerance develops. This means the abuser must use more heroin to achieve the same intensity or effect -- commonly referred to as "chasing the high." As higher doses are used over time, physical dependence and addiction develop. With physical dependence, the body has adapted to the presence of the drug and withdrawal symptoms may occur if use is reduced or stopped. Withdrawal, which in regular abusers may occur as early as a few hours after the last administration, produces drug craving, restlessness, muscle and bone pain, insomnia, diarrhea and vomiting, cold flashes with goose bumps ("cold turkey"), kicking movements ("kicking the habit"), and other symptoms. Major withdrawal symptoms peak between 48 and 72 hours after the last does and subside after about a week. Sudden withdrawal by heavily dependent users who are in poor health can be fatal.

You can read about my full experience during my, "Weekend with a Heroin Addict," in my 1200+ word featurette. It's an episode so epic, that for the first time in Sun history, is preceded with a parental warning. You don't want to miss it. Only, in the Living section of The Sun.

(To be posted online soon)

It's that time of year when everyone chalks up their failures and shortcomings from the past year and makes a decision in the form of sticky notes and refrigerator messages to make change for the better in the coming 365 days. I love New Years, but I hate resolutions. What is the point of taking one day a year to correct things in your life? Shouldn't we be doing this all year long? But, in the spirit of all things good, I've succumbed to peer pressure. Here is my list of New Years Resolutions in no particular order. I've tried to make them of the not-so-obvious variety.

More self discipline and organization. I might seem like I have it all together and always know what I'm doing. But, the truth is I'm just REALLY good at flying by the seat of my pants. But man these wedgies are killing me! Sure it has advantages, but I can see the need for some more structure in my life. I need to start charting life out better and planning ahead. And then there's the whole "sticking to it" bit.

Complete 20 consecutive pull-ups. Big boy pull-ups. The bench pressers of the gym strut around like they own the place. With their puffed out chest they pile on weight-plate after weight-plate as show of alpha male dominance. Personally I have no desire to draw similarities to the walrus variety. The pull-up is much more dynamic and versatile. It develops multiple muscle groups like an orchestra conductor works a symphony. Now I just need to take the training wheels off, and stop using the assist machine. My back, chest and arms will thank me later.

Snowboard 360 jump, with a not-suck landing. So let's just be honest with ourselves here. The goal is 360. Realistically, this will be an 180. But, whatev haters... this is only my second season out. I'm lucky to be doing jumps at all. Side note, I did land a sweet indy the other day.

Compete in 6 triathlons throughout the year. Ideally these would be two sprint distance, three Olympic distance, and one half Ironman. And, spaced out to happen every other month. Somehow I don't think it's going to go down quite like that. But, the goal is to stay in good enough shape all year long to compete in any of these at a moments notice. Right now I have two priority-A races lined up. An Olympic in Hawaii in March and a Half-Ironman in Sonoma County (wine country) in May. Should be very good times.

Run a 5:30 mile. I figure this is a good skill to have for fleeing from bears, train jumping, saving the world, and when angry ex-girlfriends come to town. My best mile was 5:58. That did however make me seriously regret the breakfast burrito just prior. Without sprint training, my best mile would probably be around 6:30. I would gauge this as a moderately realistic goal.

Be more patient.  (Disclaimer: Under the recommendation of Big E, I must disclose that I have an intolerance of slow individuals. Yes, my sarcasm is that thinly masked. I'm referring directly to her. Apparently I'm spending too much time with her these days. No, I don't know what I'm thinking. Sucker for punishment.) I have this saying I'm known for. My friends will quote me on it. "Patience is a virtue... but it doesn't get things done!" I am absolutely a child of the instant gratification generation -- or IGG as I like to call it. If I get something in my head, I have to do it right away. It's part of my "hummingbird on speed" syndrome. I move quickly from one thing to the next. But, this year I want to stop and take some time to smell the flowers. I need to try and not get worked up when I'm sitting in traffic, when a project has to wait another day to get finished, or when someone is late meeting up with me. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it yet... but I'm open to suggestions. Anyone?

Take more pictures -- good ones. I need to get myself into a photography course, and get out there... into the wild (even if it is the concrete wild), and start snapping. I've got the camera... I just need the time, and some good old practice.

Donate more of my time and money to charity. I have been very blessed with a stable job that is among a very few not suffering from bad economical times. Not only that, but I am very fortunate to be in good health. Recently it's started to really kick in that not everyone has been so lucky. I want to give back more in areas I can. I think I really take for granted the great life I've been given. I'm starting to learn about the huge impact something like donating my time to play with kids at the children's hospital. Or giving a few extra dollars to help underprivileged families. There are many terrible things out there in the world, and each of  us can be a little less selfish and help make things a little brighter for someone who needs our help. I want to make a difference in as many lives as I can. This year I want to spend more of my time and money helping those in need.

Well there you have it. I guess that wasn't so hard after all. I suppose time will tell if I stick to them. What are yours? Leave a comment and fill me in. Heck, maybe you'll even give me a few more ideas.

It’s my first night out since I’ve been back home, and boy was it a hit. Shakey’s Sports Bar was our home court for the night. Now…

Imagine several young people, only able to call themselves adults by their age and not maturity, crowded around a small-town bar high-top on a Monday night. Christmas break is near and everyone has vacation fever. Trouble brews.

At 1am, after a few beers… almost anything sounds like a good idea. I had been bragging about some recent pranks that took place back on the Left Coast when suddenly the room lit up with a bright idea.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Me: It’d be hilarious to pull one of these before I leave.

Giggles: We should get Dave!

Note: Dave is the owner and Editor in Chief of The Sun. The same paper everyone at the table works at in some form or fashion. He’s the Head-Hancho, the Big-Kahuna, The Godfather. Usually quite pleasant, Dave can also be a bit of a sleeping lion. Back to the story…

Me: Sweet!!!!!!! (Note, no number of exclamation points can do justice here) When!?!

Rudolph: You two should go do it tonight. That’s the only time he won’t be there.

Me: You know I’m game. But where can we find mouse traps, fishing line, duct tape, metal coat hangers, L-brackets, and glitter in the middle of the night?

Everyone Else: Wal-Mart!

Done and done. So Giggles and I rolled out to the big W at 2am. By 2:30 we were set with all needed supplies and on our way to the big house.

The plan was simple. We were going to extend the arm of the mousetrap to create a glitter-loaded catapult that would attach to the back of Dave’s monitor and be triggered when he sat down at his computer and moved his mouse. Sounds genius, no?

We ran into some unanticipated trouble, as my initial design didn’t allow for use on an iMac. Said and done, we made it work. It costs us two hours, but we made it work. Hey, neither of has an engineering degree.

My abs are still sore from those two hours. Every time the trap would snap -- intentionally or by accident -- we would both find ourselves curled over in laughter at the thought of Dave covered in glitter in just a few short hours.

We used an insane amount of glitter. Said and done, I’d say it was three tubes worth. One tube would have been more than good. We kept it festive though, mixing the colors to create a blissful display upon deployment.

The next morning my alarm went off exceptionally early. Except, it wasn’t my alarm. It was Dave. I think I made a smart choice in ignoring that phone call. Only a few moments later I got a text message. It read:

(While hilarious, expletives were removed for taste. Use your imagination, and then double it.)

Everyone one of you who had anything to do with the depositing of fine metallic particles on my computer had better be in here in five minutes with a vacuum.

I seriously considered ignoring this too. But then it occurred to me that if Giggles didn’t ignore it too, the consequences would be far worse for me. So I drug myself out of bed and managed to make it down to the office in less than 5 minutes. Even I was impressed.

Upon entering the lion’s den, I had three goals.

1) Do NOT laugh.

2) Keep head down and avoid eye contact.

3) Move fast. Move very fast. Get out as quick as possible.

Well, number one went out the door almost immediately. Lois, the secretary, was laughing hysterically. There was no way I could hold it in with her laughing. Number two also failed. I had to see the look on Dave’s face, I just had to. And, there was that chance it was covered in glitter. As it turned out, there was a glimmer of hilarity in his eyes – and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the glitter.

The first words I heard were, “Kemer, if I don’t get my paper out today, you’re going to have hell to pay!” Followed shortly by, “It took me all of 3 seconds to figure out you were behind this!” My reputation is intact. All is good.

Dave: “What made you think tiny metal particles near a computer was a good idea?!?”

Me: “Because they’d also be all over you!”

Wrong response. But… hilarious! I immediately turned on the vacuum and started playing dumb again. If the suction noise didn’t drown him out, my laughter sure did.

Dave immediately started prying for my accomplices. I tried to play dumb, but it was obvious I needed a key to get in. I started off by saying, “I want you to know that I was the one who was completely responsible for this. This was totally my idea.” To which I got the response, “No shit Sherlock! This has your name all over it.”

Next thing I know, Giggles busts through the door, out of breath. Holding up his watch he yells, “8 minutes! New record!”

The time cleaning up and sausage egg McMuffin it costs us was well worth the prank. And the smile on Dave’s face when I left wasn’t too bad either.

Until next time, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

P.s. If anyone with pull at Shakey's reads this, Drew said to tell you he wants his VIPprivilegesback.